Now, to preface this, my now wife and I have a lot of fun in bed. We’re not shy about communicating or trying new things, and both get off, sometimes twice each, when we have the time. My concern, and while it definitely bothers me more than her, is that when it comes to being inside her, particularly for round one, so to speak, I do not last long at all. Extremely premature ejaculation. But only for round one. For the second time sometimes I don’t get off before it becomes too uncomfortable for her. Round 2 can last anywhere between 10 and 30 minutes. She’s very understanding and supportive, but I still know she wishes I could last longer the first round, as much for my enjoyment as her own. As I write this, she’s bought a cream or something from a slumber party that’s supposed to help, but we haven’t had a chance to try it yet. I’ve tried some things I read before in a sex book we have and online about strengthening some pelvic muscle, and these weird masturbation exercises where you pinch the base and flex when you’re about to cum, wait for the feeling to subside, then continue. It hasn’t seemed to help at all. I’ve tried mental distractions like the pledge of allegiance, alphabet, even trying to go through prime numbers, and it just feels so indescribably good, that I can’t help myself. Not flexing that pelvic muscle, nothing. Any advice? Oh, and one other oddity… My wife gives phenomenal head. Truly amazing, it feels so good, and yet for that I can last much longer than being inside her… What gives there? One last thing, she hasn’t mentioned it more than maybe once, but I know she would like to climax at the same time occasionally. We’ve come extremely close, but haven’t quite managed it yet. Sorry for the long email, I’m sure you get swamped as is, but I appreciate any help or insight you can offer. Thanks – Quickly Coming.
Hi Quickly Coming, Thank you for the email and for this email, we are going to address your first question regarding “not being able to last long.” Here’s the deal. You and approximately 30-70% of men across the United States are experiencing “early ejaculation” which used to be known as Premature Ejaculation. This not only includes early release after minimal sexual contact or thrusts but includes ejaculating earlier than you would like to. It looks like you have given the go to the different options out there including mental distraction but the one we want to REALLY hit home on in our response is your largest sex organ, and no, it is not your penis. It’s your brain. Our brain can really be a make or break to our sexuality, our sensuality, our eroticism, our ability to manage anxiety and our ability to experience sex and intimacy in a way that is fulfilling to us. As a therapist and a coach, we wished we could delve deeper in to your head and see what’s really going on there. With that being said, we recommend you try the following: It sounds a bit as though you have a sexual pattern that you both would like to break. Consider looking at this pattern as a longer standing pattern with your sexual history. If you have masturbated and needed to “hurry it up”, were in situations where you were worried about getting caught, you may have a longer standing pattern that is simply manifesting itself in your current relationship. Learn to slow down. Did we say that too fast? We’ll say it again. Learn to sloooow dowwwwwn. Dr. Patti Britton has written a great book we recommend called, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Touch for in-depth education on the art of slowing down and what to do to get there.” Sounds perfect right? You are going to have to get deliberate in trying to create a new experience in your sexuality. How worried are you about lasting long enough? This sounds like potential performance anxiety, fear, and worrying so much about lasting longer that you are not lasting longer. While this might sound counter intuitive and may challenge the inner sexual stallion in you, stop trying to please her. Yep, you heard it here first. Start focusing on you, what feels good to you and build from there. Be in the moment. Move out of your head. Once you get your man-friend under control, you can start focusing your attention on to her. Also, look into sensate focus exercises and foreplay training together. There are a lot of great books out there that can guide you through sensate exercises that can broaden your scope for pleasure. Lastly, don’t beat yourself up. If you are constantly again, in your head, but in a negative way, you are adding internal pressure to the situation which ultimately will work against you. It sounds like you have a lot of great things going in your relationship and the fact that you are willing to reach out and ask a question to improve your circumstances says a lot about the kind of man you are. You can do it and we would love to hear from you again to see how things are going! Sincerely, The Sex Girls